Something about ‘My fear of failure’
As I sit here trying to write this article, I'm oddly struggling to articulate on point the extent of this fear I hold. I want so badly to keep this vulnerability hidden, but then I think again, and I realise this is the hold it has on me. Forcing me to hide away in the darkness, quiet and obedient. By challenging this fear, I am taking back the power it has over me.
I was never taught the art of believing in myself, of having an undeniable faith in what my future held despite any doubts, and so it became up to me to find it within myself. It has been the most grueling, battle-like challenge I believe I will ever have to face.
Of course there will be plenty of obstacles in my life but none as intense as working on self-belief and self-compassion, when I was taught to believe the complete opposite for 20 years. I fell so often that I thought it was a useless war, I was simply not destined to be one of those people who believes in themselves, I started to think you've either got it, or you don't. Of course this is rubbish, we all are worthy.
A little while ago I decided to take a step towards achieving my dreams. The fear had paralysed me from doing so for so long. Every time I considered flying, the fear of failure told me I simply could not, that I was destined for a life with my feet on the ground. I was grounded for too long, but one day a strength in me prevailed and I decided to launch Something about Cake. I am now well and truly flying.
Some days I'm not so strong, in fact there are moments I am fully grounded by the fear, but I'll tell you how I get through these storms. I embrace it, I don't shut it down, I don't wish it away, I take a second to listen to the fear, acknowledge its existence and then am compassionate with myself because of course I am blooming scared, its a huge risk to work for yourself and establish a successful business. I realise the fear has a place, the fear keeps me level headed, and the best part, it makes the success even more unbelievably pleasurable. I've learnt the second you try to deny the fear of space, to shut it down, it grows into a huge burden, and in most cases stops us pursuing our dreams.
One of the quotes that I re-read in the moments I am starting to doubt myself is by J.K.Rowling, who said, "it is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default"
My reaction to this quote is always the same - I much prefer to fail at attempting the growth of one of my dreams than to simply fail by default because I was too scared to even try.
Don't get me wrong the prospect of failure is terrifying, every cake and creation I do, I kid you not, I fear will fail, not work out, look crap, fall over, something! But what if this fear prevented me from even taking the cakes on? I would never have created over 200 special occasion cakes, I would never have seen the tears of joy or the sparkle in the eyes of my customers as they see their creation. The thought of being without these moments in my life makes me feel dull and unfulfilled, and the fear of feeling like this pushes me to go on every day.
Embrace your fears.
Fiona Rose x